


The Saga of Timothée, Abel & Armie

by Vibrant_D



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Alcohol, BDSM, Bisexual Male Character, Ecstasy - Freeform, Gay Sex, Marijuana, Multi, Prostitution, Public Blow Jobs, Recreational Drug Use, Restraints, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 04:43:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14845962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vibrant_D/pseuds/Vibrant_D
Summary: Just another Charmie fanfic, avec un usurpateur (The Weeknd).  I have an idea of where this is going, but bear with me.  Timothée strays from his straight and narrow path to stardom after Armie slowly recedes from his life and is taken to the dark side by The Weeknd.  Events unfold and Timothée gets help to realize that he was suppressing his love for Armie all along, then decides what to do about it.  This all ends well, I think.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction and based on very little facts of these real individuals' lives.

I have a problem. That’s the first step, right? I admit I have a problem. I feel like such a fucking cliche. Young actor lets fame go to his head and then all of a sudden he wakes up on the bathroom floor of a hotel in a city he can’t recall, bleeding from a gash on his head. I feel so much disgust and shame build inside of me. Between the withdrawal and the cut, my head is pounding so hard I think I might faint. I look in the mirror through blurry eyes to see the trickle of blood running down my temple, my cheek, and making its way down my neck. Thank god I hit my head and not my face. This could have been worse. Where am I? How did I get here? How did I get from making the Oscar rounds for CMBYN to here? It’s like I blinked after my first interview with Armie and found myself in this very spot. This place is ugly and dark. I press a white towel to my head that instantly sops up so much blood it scares me. I don’t know what to do next.   
___________________  
I thought I could handle it. Abel had a reputation, but I thought I was smarter than this. I see it now. You always think you’re smarter than that, and then you’re not. I let Armie slowly disappear from my life and suddenly I’m anchor-less, drifting out into a sea of corruption. I remember our conversation after the news came out of the first party Abel and I attended together. Armie said, this is a delicate place for me to be in and I had to be careful. I trust him, but I rolled my eyes so hard. He doesn’t get to decide who I’m friends with, not after the hell he put me through. He suggested that I check in with my friends and family often to make sure I kept my feet on the ground. He told me about the tricks that fame can play on your sense of right and wrong and how important it was to rely on others perceptions to stay on track. I planned to follow his advice, then I had my first night out with Abel. 

That man intoxicated me literally and figuratively. He is a black hole for sweet, empathic souls, crushing each of us and turning our hearts bitter. He’s so cunning and manipulative, which I had to learn the hard way. When we hung out for the first time at the Oscar’s after party, I was so excited he wanted to spend some time sitting with me, talking about music. I have known how big of a deal the Oscar nom was. I won’t play it down and now I feel so proud of my hard work. My confidence was growing daily, but I never thought I was cool enough to hang with Abel. What do I have to offer a guy like that? But we talked and talked for hours, continually shooing away everyone who tired to butt into our conversation, even the beautiful women that kept strutting by. We talked about the music that inspired our respective arts and found that we had many influences in common. That night I felt like we really connected and I made a new friend. We made loose plans to go to some clubs in the near future and parted ways. 

Looking at him and seeing what fame brought into his life, what was possible, that idea planted itself firmly in my brain and I was hooked. It was mostly about the women. I wanted women to be that way with me, vying for my attention, hanging on my every word. I wanted to be so important to a woman that she forgot who she was while we were together. I wanted as many women as I could get. Tasting each one of them and comparing the difference. Seeing what they could teach me in bed. Hearing how each one moaned my name a little differently. Testing out my newfound desire to dominate. Maybe even seeing if I could play with two or three at the same time. That was my goal. Who doesn’t want to be adored? Who doesn’t want variety? Who doesn’t want to be fucked by the most beautiful women in the world? Abel was the key that opened up my world to as many beautiful women as I wanted. All that advice from Armie just disappeared from my brain and my cock took over my life.

Abel was a few years ahead of me in the fame game and damn it if that didn’t make him the smoothest man alive. He wanted it, he got it. No work involved. I, on the other hand, liked the work. I liked the challenge of capturing the attention of a woman, then seeing how she squirmed under my gaze, responding to me placing my hand on her shoulder, running my thumb over her collarbone, lightly touching my lips to her ear and exhaling down her neck as we strained to hear each other in the crowded clubs. Just seeing these reactions was enough to get me high. Seeing their thirst for me wash over their faces was my favorite drug. Abel would show up and there they were. Yeah, they were star fuckers and they showed up for him, but I didn’t mind. It’s not like I have any hope for a normal dating life at this point. 

So there it started. The conversations, the clubs, then the drugs. I knew this came along with Abel, but I guess I just wanted to think I could stay away from that part. I was wrong. On our third club outing, Abel casually passed me a joint while we sat around a table with some of his crew. He did that thing where you offer and raise your eyebrows as to ask, you cool dude? I’d smoked weed before. Lots of times before. I’m a theater kid and I’m not a stranger to this habit. Lots of my friends smoked weed to unwind after the wrap of a production or grueling tech week. I would smoke with them, but I never sought it out. It was just an occasional hit or two off a joint and I was happy with that. I didn’t want more or think about it when it wasn’t around. This was different. It was always around. Something I learned later was that this is what he does. Abel attaches himself to someone new, tones down his drug use for a few weeks, then ramps up again. I knew I picked up on something distorted in his lyrics and this was it. Can I explain it succinctly? No. He just has this way about him where he plays with people like they’re his pet, trying to push and push and see how far he can draw them into this world of being constantly checked out. He wants company there, because it’s so lonely. The dude wrote the lyric “When I’m fucked up that’s the real me.” Need I say more? That first passed joint seemed harmless, but everything that came after brought so much harm into my life. 

I wanted to fit in. I wanted to keep getting invites so I could talk with Abel about music, then prowl for the next woman to invite back to my hotel room. It was like some sort of ritual that just formed after a while. Sometimes I would be out shooting for weeks on end, but in my down time I was always hanging with Abel on the weekends (no pun intended). Luckily, he loves New York as much as I do and the club scene there was at it’s height. Not like back in the day with the club kids. I can’t tell you how much I like to watch old docs about the club kids. Their creativity was astounding. Something different is happening now, but something I very much enjoy. I think the thing I enjoyed most was seeing how much sexual freedom was flowing in those spaces. Everyone was there to offer themselves up to whatever pleasure they could find that night. I often got hard walking into a club, just thinking about the possibilities. 

Abel’s crew was generally the same. He had a few people he trusted and he was okay with me bringing some of my LaGuardia friends along. We would mingle our small circles and then the drugs appeared. At first it was just weed. I treated it like I did in high school. I’d partake, but just a little. After a while I felt this invisible pressure from Abel to step it up. I thought if I didn’t try to match him that he would get tired of me and the invites would stop coming. On one occasion, I saw him roll his eyes after I turned down the second blunt that was being passed that night. So I decided I would make a game of it. I’d see how much weed I could smoke and still convince a woman to go back to the hotel with me. Eventually I got good at finding that sweet spot: smoking enough that Abel seemed satisfied and getting loose enough to impress a woman with my confidence, but not scare her away with how fucked up I was. So many nights passed with this combination in full force. I know it’s stupid and probably misogynistic, but Abel and I liked to trade stories the next day. 

One Saturday night, started just like any other, but ended spectacularly. We picked a club to meet at, because the DJ spinning was one of our favorites. Abel was already there when I arrived, seated in the roped off VIP section on a gigantic red velvet couch. He had his usual crew with him and women were already slinking by the area, showing off their tits and asses to him like some sort of sexy parade. How does this man draw that kind of attention? I still haven’t quite figured it out. This went on the rest of the night, and we would pay attention from time to time. We were still having some pretty deep conversations about music, but our eyes were wandering when there was a lull or the music got too loud to hear each other. After a couple of hours he asked me, “What do you think about inviting some ladies up here to give us head? I bet I can make it happen with 20 minutes of conversation or less.” At this point my head was fuzzy from the blunt we were passing and I had let my inhibitions go, so I said hell yeah! I didn’t know this, but Abel had an agreement with his crew that if he wanted to get sucked off in public, they would stand around him and guard from the prying cameras. That’s a level of notoriety I was far from reaching. He already picked out the women he wanted and had his buddy go invite them up to the couch. Lucky for me, they were both stunning. I had no complaints about his choices. He did that soft talking, stoic thing that he does and introduced us both. Abel had his friends serve these ladies glasses of Dom Perignon to set the mood. They both gladly accepted and started with the mindless chatter. Abel smiled and nodded at them, encouraging them along. I’m always squirming, but I thought that wouldn’t be very attractive to these ladies. I didn’t want them to read me as nervous, so I pressed my hands together in my lap, leaned back and focused on looking cool and collected. After giving them sufficient time to think we cared what they had to say, Abel started paying them compliments and lightly touching the face of the woman sitting nearest to him. Then he said, “I’m bored and I need entertaining,” with a vacant look in his eyes. To most people this would sound rude as fuck, but for some reason it worked with these women. They asked in shrill tones what they could do to entertain him, seeming a tiny bit desperate to stay on the couch with us. Then he just came out and said it, “I want both of you to choke on our dicks.” I think I was as shocked as the women were at this approach, but I had grown used to restraining myself around him and managed not to spit out my drink. The thought of these women on their knees blowing us on this very couch was beyond exciting. The closest I’d come to fucking in public was fingering Lourdes in a locked gender neutral bathroom at school. The women turned to each other as if to ask, “Should we?” Then smiled and said okay. Abel signaled to his guys to block off the area and they stood up, shoulder to shoulder, backs turned to us, so we could have our privacy. The music was so loud no one would hear and no one could see. I quickly made sure of that, by glancing around, because there was no way I could let pictures like this get out. Abel nodded to me as he unbuckled his belt. 

The woman sitting nearest to me was so young and beautiful, I almost felt bad for asking her to do this. I know what kind of sway I have now that my name is out there, and I didn’t want her to think she had to, so I pulled her close and told her that I wanted her to choose. I saw her eyes melt a little and she said, “Yes, Timmy. I want you in my mouth.” I asked another question, “Are you really comfortable with this?” I dropped my facade and let it show on my face that I wanted her to tell the truth. She said, “Don’t worry honey, I’d tell you if I didn’t want to.” I took that as affirmative consent and then kissed her briefly on the neck trying not to worry if this was ethical. She pulled away and crept down between my legs. She looked up into my eyes, smiling, as she unzipped my pants. I was ready for her. Probably not as hard as I could be, but as soon as she freed my cock from my pants and licked the head ever so gently, I felt the rush of blood and knew that this was as hard as I get. As the head of my dick slipped past her lips and reached the back of her throat, I forgot everything that was happening around me. I forgot Abel was there. I forgot we were in a club. I forgot I never asked this woman’s name. All I could think about was the sensation of her warm slippery mouth sucking me off. Hitting the back of her throat and the vibrations that went along with her choking lightly with each thrust felt better and better. I was getting exactly what Abel asked for, a beautiful woman choking on my dick. It took an embarrassingly short amount of time for me to cum. As I felt my orgasm approaching I realized I didn’t know if it was okay to cum in her mouth, so I quickly pulled away and tried to catch most of it in my hand, but ended up spilling some on my Gucci pants. The woman watched what happened and turned to grab some napkins off the table. I wiped up my cum as well as I could, smiling awkwardly, but couldn’t make the white streak disappear from the front of my pants. Honestly, I didn’t care. This was worth it. Then I quickly glanced over at Abel who was still getting head. I looked back at the woman between my legs and pulled her up into my lap. I started kissing her. I could taste the mix of champagne and my pre cum in her mouth and it was so delicious. Suddenly, a wave of sadness swept over me as I realized that last time I tasted my own cum. Armie wouldn’t let me live the peach scene down and challenged me to taste some of my own cum. I was much more delicious than I anticipated, but still not quite as delectable as Armie. Maybe it’s that apricot juice he got addicted to on set? I come back to the present and realize this woman is still on top of me and kissing my throat. I do my best to seem interested, but I couldn’t shake the sadness and things slowed down. Abel finally came and tucked his dick quickly back into his pants. He whispered in her ear and she grabbed her friend’s hand and walked away giggling. Abel looked at me like nothing out of the ordinary just happened. Wow. How could he do that? I guess when it comes to Abel you have to get extreme to enjoy yourself. A mundane blow job in the privacy of your apartment, just won’t do. He told me he asked the woman if they had more female friends with them. She said yes they had two more friends at the club and he asked her to go tell them to meet us at the hotel in 45 minutes. I guess the blow jobs were just the appetizer of the evening and the main course and dessert were yet to come.


	2. Chapter  2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timothée's first foray into ecstasy and threesomes. Extra smutty business going down.

We’re leaving the club, just like that. I would have preferred to stay a little longer, but Abel gets what Abel wants. He tells me has the top floor rented at a hotel within a few minutes drive from the club, as we’re leaving through the back entrance. Another thing I would learn that Abel did regularly: he made sure he had a swanky location for the after party festivities. It’s like the guy could count on a wild night with beautiful ladies, no matter what. 

We hop in the SUV with his driver and settle in for the short drive. “You ready for this?” he asks. I didn’t want to seem scared, so I just said yeah with a short nod. Really, I was about to jump out of my skin. I had no idea what he intended to do once we got back to the hotel. All I knew is that there were four women arriving soon and something was going down. This is the first time I was invited along for the play session. So many thoughts were running through my mind, but mostly I was worried that he would see me as an inexperienced kid. I think I cared equally about giving the women a good experience and impressing him. It’s hard to say what Abel thought my life was like before I met him, but it was certainly not like this. Yes, I was known in some circles of younger actors for my small roles in TV and movies, but I had no notoriety. Since the Oscars, I was invited to some celebrity after parties, but mostly that was just people drinking, laughing, sharing funny anecdotes, talking about their lame diet and exercise routines. There really was no flirting there, because hardly anyone was my age or even noticed me. After a few events, I was starting to think the parties were useless to meet potential girlfriends or boyfriends. The only person that had ever really noticed me beside my past girlfriends was Armie. I knew what it was like to have a stare fixed on me that sent the most intense blush to my cheeks and between my legs, seeing someone seeing me. I knew how to let myself be seen and open up to a beautifully intimate and warm exchange with another human being. What I didn’t know was how to act in an orgy with an R&B star. The contrast of what I had experienced and what I imagined I was about to experience could not be more stark. 

Abel grabs something out of his pocket. A little baggie with some white pills inside that he dangles for me to see. Another of his moves to draw me into the black hole. “Want some molly?” he asks. I get that feeling in my stomach like when you go over the first hill of the rollercoaster. I’m already feeling a little controlled by him at this point between the blowjobs and making me leave the club without asking, but I have to admit I’m curious about molly. I’ve heard from friends that it was pretty fun and harmless as long as it was pure. I’m assuming Abel has the best of the best, when it comes to any drug. There’s some quick calculating in my head about the pros and cons of taking him up on this offer. Pros: it feels good, it will be a new experience to draw from, it makes sex better, Abel will respect me more. Cons: I could make an ass of myself, it’s not exactly healthy, I have no idea how I will react. This list is coming up pretty even, but I decide to take the leap and accept his offer. He peels open the bag and hands me a pill. “Take it now, it’ll be about 30 minutes before it kicks in.” “Okay,” I say meekly and pop it into my mouth. Abel takes one of his own and smiles at me. He seems proud that he can give me so many first experiences. Experiences that involve checking out of reality are his speciality. 

We’re already at the hotel and enter through the back entrance again. I realize that he does this to evade any possible prying cameras. He does seem to try to protect his privacy, which makes me a little more confident about what’s coming next. We take the elevator up and I notice my legs are feeling a little shaky. I look down to steady myself and when I look up Abel is smiling at me again. “Don’t worry about anything from here, Timo. I’ve got you. My guys are used to trip sitting and will make sure everything is fine.” Sometimes Abel knows just the right thing to say. I remember that I genuinely like the guy and I love his music. He has interesting perspectives and stories. I mean, the guy isn’t even 30 and he has his own record label. He has drive and ambition, and there are some things I can learn from him in that regard. I think there’s also a vulnerability to him that I haven’t seen before. Abel definitely is aching to be real and seen, but he fights against it. That’s something I don’t do. It’s impossible for me to hide parts of myself and I think that’s why he picked me. I’m a wide open goof and maybe he has something to learn from me. Abel reaches for my hand and pulls me in for a hug. Shit, I think I’m already feeling the effects. That hug feels warm and tingly. I pull back and let out an awkward laugh. He seems pleased with himself as we step out of the elevator and into the suite. 

It’s better than I expected. This suite is so modern it feels sexy just looking at it. The large, open entertaining area in the middle is set up with beautiful couches in front of massive floor to ceiling windows. The skyline is gleaming in and those lights take on a glowing haze that trails me as I turn to sit down. Abel sits down and tells his assistant what supplies he needs for the evening. He orders all sorts of drinks and food. “Always want to set up a good spread for visitors, you know?” I didn’t know, because I’ve never really entertained, but I get how this helps to set the mood. More smiling and nodding on my part. I’m having a hard time finding words right now. Abel checks his phone and connects to the sound system. He has a playlist ready, which I’m excited to hear. My favorite, Kid Cudi, starts off the list. I think maybe he made this list for me? “Listen Timo, this night is about to get even more wild. Whatever happens, this all stays here.” I respond, “Yeah man, of course. What do you think will happen though?” Abel shakes his head and says, “Whatever you want, Timo. We have the floor so you can do what you like. Let’s see what they’re up for.” He pauses, then asks, “Have you ever had more than one woman at a time?” I blush hard. God, I have to admit this to him? Have I been sexually adventurous? Yes, but not in the way he’s thinking. “No, not yet man. If everyone’s into it, I’ll be into it too. I mean, it’s gotta be great, right?” Abel replies, “It’s the best, man.” There’s a little twinge of guilt in my stomach, because I feel weird about assuming these women are coming over to have sex with us. I know that I’ll observe boundaries as well as I can, but I don’t know about Abel. He gives me a smirk and puts out his fist for me to pound it. I meet him halfway with my fist and let one of those dumb smiles wash over my face. This smile lasts a lot longer than usual. I can’t seem to make it go away and a wave of euphoria hits me. I guess the drugs effect me quickly because I’m thin. Just another example of what a lightweight I am. There’s some electricity that starts humming under my skin and my face feels hot. Here’s to hoping I don’t look too messed up at this point. 

We didn’t have to wait long, the women had just arrived. Abel hops up and motions for his buddy to get the door. He meets the women by the door and kisses each of their hands while asking their names. I see what he’s doing, trying to make them think he’s a gentleman. I’m pretty sure they know what’s in store, though. The women are gorgeous, young and smell amazing. I see them teeter on their heels and imagine they have all had a little too much to drink tonight. Brittany, Jen, Summer and Lindsey. I repeat these names to myself several times so I hopefully can remember them throughout the night. Lindsey was the one who blew me earlier. I try to hang onto that name extra well in case there’s more to come between us. As the women walk in the room is suddenly filled with voices and laughter. They’re on, having fun and here to party. I’m wondering how they feel about hanging out with celebrities. Are they here for that or because they like us? Probably here for the fame. Fuck, that makes it awkward, but I’m doing my best in this situation. The delivery of food and drinks comes in behind them and they get busy making drinks. They avoid the food, which I roll my eyes at. I decided that I had better stick to water for the rest of the night, so I linger in the background while they get situated. 

Lindsey sits down next to me on the couch and smiles. Damn it, here comes that stupid smile again. I’m assuming everyone knows about the blow jobs from earlier, so I drop all pretenses and mentally prepare myself for what is coming next. The rest of the girls file in and start sipping on their drinks. Just what I expected, they ask a bunch of inane questions about what our lives are like, what we’re working on, luckily no teasing about the blow jobs. Meanwhile, I’m buzzing and realize how absolutely beautiful everyone is in this room, it’s like everyone has a bit of sparkle around them. Abel sees that look in my eyes and asks, “How you doing over there Timo?” I just laugh and put my head in my hands. Oh, wow. It feels great to have my hands in my hair, and I run my fingers through it a few times. I look up and everyone is looking at me. I burst out into another laugh and now everyone is laughing at my dumb self, or with me, I guess. “Dude, I’m feeling it. But how does hair feel like magic?” Abel throws his head back in a laugh. I’ve never seen him do that before. I guess the ecstasy loosened him up too. 

Lindsey turns to me and says, “Let me touch that magic, Timo!” She sinks her hand into my hair and tickles my scalp with her fingernails. I melt. I instantly turn into a puddle. The dragging of her nails resounds everywhere in my body like some weird morse code. There’s a direct connection from my scalp to every other nerve ending inside me. I think I let out a moan that probably seemed inappropriate for the situation, but I don’t care. Lindsey puts down her drink, scoots closer and sinks her other hand into my hair. I look into her face and see the desire in her eyes. Okay, I get it. In this moment I accept that I’m handsome and charming in my own floppy, puppy dog way. She appreciates me and she wants another taste. I lean in for a kiss and my lips feel like they are on fire. A kiss has never brought me this much physical pleasure before. The kiss excites me and sets me at ease, all at once. She extends her tongue into my mouth and she tastes delicious. Not like before. There’s no sadness with this kiss, I’m just here, enjoying the sensation, being in the moment. I pull away, suddenly realizing we have an audience and I should try to be polite. Lindsey asks, “You want to dance?” The best idea anyone has had all night! “Yes, yes I would love to dance with you.” She jumps up and grabs my hand. “How about we explore another room and can Summer come with?” Ok, this is happening. It feels as if they already decided to be my dates for the evening, and then I realize of course they did. They had the ride over to decide what their game plan was. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go look around. Please follow me” as I wobble my way up off the couch. 

I turn and look at Abel as I’m getting up and see him give me a wink. I’ve got his blessing and assume we won’t be seeing each other for the rest of the night, so I give him a little wave. Summer attaches herself to my arm. “Hi Timo, I’m Summer, we haven’t actually been introduced yet.” “Hi Summer, you know your face really does look like a summer,” I say smiling down at her. I got her with that one. She laughs at me and pulls my arm tighter. “I kind of know what you mean?” she says quizzically cocking her head. “I think you do, silly goose,” I reply. Lindsey takes the other arm and we walk down the hall and peek into another suite. It’s a little smaller than the one we left, but it has an open area that would be perfect for dancing. “What do you think ladies? Will this suit our needs?” “Looks good to me,” Summer announces. She lets go of my arm, walks out in front of me and starts shifting her hips slowly from side to side. “Put something on for us, Timo.” I knew exactly what to do. There are some songs that women go nuts for and I want them to do that thing. I connect my phone and put on Robyn’s Dancing on my Own. They look at each other and both scream a little as they jump up and down. Yep, I did it. The music is starting to do something to me that feels new. I’ve felt taken over by music before, but this seems to be so much more than that. The beat of the song is lining up with my heartbeat and I see waves of different colors floating up above my head, pulsing with the lyrics. Weird, but also pretty, so I don’t worry. Lindsey grabs my hand and pulls me into the middle of the room. She rests her hands on my shoulders and pulls me in close. “I really love this song,” she half shouts at me. “I though you might,” I shout back at her. Summer comes up behind me and grabs my hips. I feel her breasts press up against my back and the sensation wakes my dick up. Both women sway with me to the rest of the song and Lindsey notices my erection. She starts rubbing me with her palm and I feel myself getting harder and harder. My face is on fire and I can feel a sheen of sweat all over my body. This is what it’s like to be high on x. I’m really loving it so far. 

Suddenly I feel brave. I never thought I could command two women at once, but I feel really powerful and sexy right now. I slide out from between the two, holding onto my cock over my pants, and tell them to go into the bedroom and sit on the bed, with a stern finger pointing the direction. They link hands and walk away slowly, throwing glances over their shoulders all the way. I slip into the bathroom, just to check on my situation. The flush on my face actually makes me look more attractive. I don’t really like the droopiness of my eyelids, but I imagine that would look sexy to someone else. My lips are extra pink and I give them a once over with my tongue. I grab a glass and throw back some water. Looking at my face again, I say to myself, “Timo, you got this.” I point to myself in the mirror and laugh. Okay, focus. My attention is on what’s waiting for me in the bedroom and I hurry over that way. 

Lindsey and Summer are sitting obediently on the edge of the bed. I look at them and decide I’m here to entertain them, so I’m putting on a show. I motion for them to stay where they are and put on a new song. I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. I twist around and see their jaws drop. Just what I wanted, they start squealing and squirming on the bed. Now I’m putting on a show for them, running my hands over my body while gyrating my hips. Here I go, slowly peeling back my shirt and dropping it again, teasing them with my skin. Breaking out some of my best moves, while making sure to show them I can wiggle my ass. I finally peel my shirt up above my head ever so slowly and they holler for me, just like they would for a stripper. Next comes the pants. As I shimmy around the room, I work on the button and zipper. I finally pull the zipper down and make my way back in front of the two. My boots are still on, I realize. “Ladies, remove my boots” I command. I see their eyes flair, as if they are put off my the request, but both agree and kneel before a boot. I cross my arms and look down on them as they nimbly unknot the laces and slide one foot out at a time. Is this what it’s like to be a dom? Never have I tried to give instructions like this to a woman and I realize that the sight of them working on my boots makes my cock twitch. This is a very sexy scene, indeed. Once they wrangle off my boots one at a time, I slide off my pants and pull my dick out of my underwear, amazed and how good it feels stroke myself this way in front of them. I’ve had some pretty amazing orgasms in my day, but none can compare to the pleasure I’m getting from just touching myself in this moment. 

Lindsey and Summer are still dressed, and I’m still feeling bold. “Now it’s your turn.” They know what to do and they’re down. I settle onto the bed and lean back, resting on my elbows, preparing for the show. Lindsey reaches for my phone to pick their song, Bodak Yellow by Cardi B. They must have heard me talk about her before, or maybe it’s just a coincidence. Lindsey and Summer look into each others eyes, while they sway their bodies, teetering on their heels. They’re not bad dancers even though they’re drunk, which I appreciate. They move in close and Lindsey puts her leg between Summer’s thighs, as she reaches behind for her zipper. Summer settles onto Lindsey’s thigh and grinds a little. Summer’s dress is peeled off to reveal she’s totally nude beneath. I try not to act shocked, but I’m sure she sees my eyebrows shoot up. Regain your composure, man. Lindsey’s dress gets pulled up over her head to reveal some sexy underwear, black lace. She turns around and lets Summer unfasten her bra and slip the straps off each shoulder. Lindsey holds onto the bra with both arms, turns to Summer and drops it, her breasts bounce a little as they let down. Summer definitely likes the sight of Lindsey’s breasts and she immediately steps in and starts massaging each, gingerly while they sway. Lindsey responds with a little moan and leans in for a kiss. I watch as they part their mouths and start slowly caressing each others tongues. Trying to check in with the situation, they seem to be genuinely into this. It doesn’t feel like a show anymore and I’m glad they feel comfortable being intimate with each other. Maybe we’re all bi? This is probably one of the sexiest things to happen in front of me (beside Armie), and I let it play out as I sit back and stroke my cock. I keep seeing the trail of everything around me, like the edges of every object are blurred. It’s kind of like being underwater and I’m feeling like electric jello. 

Patting the bed on either side of me, I invite Summer and Lindsey to lay down. Each woman takes a side and I’m torn as where to start first. I haven’t tasted Summer yet, so I turn and settle a long, slow kiss on her lips. She moans into my mouth as I push my tongue past her lips. Summer tastes delicious. Isn’t it impossible to describe what someone tastes like, but somehow you remember it when they’re away? While I’m kissing Summer, Lindsey runs her hands up and down my bare back and settles them in my hair again. Lindsey tugs my hair so I part with Summer, and she turns my face to hers for another delicious kiss. Meanwhile, Summer grabs my cock and starts rubbing up and down with a firm grip. I feel warmth and wetness on my cock and it sends a shiver through my body. Summer was inspired to blow me and I’m not going to back away from that. It just started, but I think it may be the best it’s ever felt to have a mouth on my cock. So much sensation is pulsing through my body, that I start to tremble a bit and hope no one notices. I realize that I’m being a bit neglectful and need to make sure I’m sharing some pleasure. Moving away from Lindsey’s kiss, I grab Summer and position her on her back, so I can properly eat her pussy. Diving right in, I fall in love with the taste of her. So earthy with a little bit of sweetness. I find myself lapping up as much of her as I can manage, then settle into work her clit. Before I zone in on my target, I slip two fingers inside her and curve them just so, to make sure I’m massaging her g spot. Slowly, I slide my fingers in and out and peek up at her face. She’s totally lost in her pleasure with her back arched and hands gripping the sheets. Back to my target. I land short, firm licks on her clit and occasionally alternate with sucking and nibbling. Thank goodness I paid attention all the times I’ve done this before. I’ve found a formula that rarely fails. Just as I’m hitting my stride I feel Lindsey’s fingers tracing my ass crack, up and down. She’s bold, this one. I hike my ass up just a bit to show her it’s okay to explore. She gently runs her finger around the rim of my hole, and I have to tug on my balls quickly to keep from cumming. The only other person who’s played with my hole is Armie and all of the sense memory comes rushing back to me. I have to do everything in my power to force his memory out of my head and bring myself back to the moment. Lindsey keeps tracing my hole, as if she’s scared to take it any further. I twitch my ass again to show her my enthusiasm and she takes the hint. I hear her pop a finger in her mouth to wet it and then she slowly tests the give of my hole. It takes her a few seconds, but she finally pushes through all the way to her knuckle. She’s gently sliding her finger in and out and I start making wild moaning sounds into Summer’s pussy. There’s nothing I love more than having my ass played with. No one tells you that’s the highest pleasure you can achieve in a man’s body. I’m glad I had such a good teacher in that department. This feels so good I have to move between bracing myself and yanking on my balls, because I could literally cum any moment, but I want to edge and make sure I keep this erection a while longer. Summer is still enjoying herself and I focus in a little more to see if I can get that orgasm out of her. My body is falling into a rhythm between my mouth and my ass and I have no idea how much time has gone by. I speed up my fingers that are sliding back and forth inside her and press my tongue a little firmer with each new pass over her clit. I’ve unlocked the combination. Summer is moaning louder and louder until she yells out and starts shuddering all over. I feel a bit of the pulsing in her pussy as I pull away and look up at her. She’s got the big goofy smile now. Summer lays back, putting one hand to her forehead and another over her heart, as to steady herself. She’s grinding her thighs together, still riding the wave. I kiss the top of her thigh before turning my attention back to Lindsey and my ass. 

I send a glance over my shoulder and see a smirk on Lindsey’s face. She slowly pulls her finger out of me and waits for my next move. I turn to face her and we’re both on our knees. My hand extends out and my forefinger makes contact with her warm, slippery clit. Rubbing my finger back and forth slowly, I make contact with her mouth again. This time she puts her tongue in my mouth and I enjoy the taste of her, continuing my gentle stroking. She makes that mmmmm sound that catches in the back of your throat. “Your turn,” I say. She pulls away and smiles in agreement. “This time I’m going to be on my back and I want you to ride my face.” She lights up at the idea of this, maybe she’s never tried it before. “And while I eat you, she’s going to ride me,” I say pointing to Summer. Damn, I’m confident. Summer jumps up and digs through her bag for a condom. She’s back, slipping it on me and Lindsey positions herself over my mouth. I reach up my tongue to make contact again and feel Summer’s pussy envelop my cock. Suddenly I tense up at the overwhelming sensation. I work to take some deep breaths through my nose and concentrate again. Summer knows what she’s doing and she rides me gently bucking back and forth. I can feel her wetness on my stomach just above my cock, as she leaks her juices all over me. The two of them are facing each other and I just imagine the looks they are casting throughout this interaction. My arms wrap up and around Lindsey, so I can massage her ass while she gets the hang of riding my face. Then we’re all synced up, moving in one motion, and I see the energy of my body seeping into theirs. Soaking up all the delicious fluid I can, from Lindsey, I start to feel the beginning of an orgasm. It’s too soon, but I have officially lost control. I’ve staved it off as long as I could and my body buckles under the pressure. Gently I press Lindsey up off my face and let out a bellow as I jerk my hips up into Summer, cumming for longer than I think I ever have. Feeling the vibrations of energy moving through and out of me. Labored breathing through gritted teeth, then I’m finally finished. For a beat, I lay there and let the sensations keep washing over my body, totally in my own world, totally splayed underneath these two. I expect to feel that wave of exhaustion I usually get after cumming, but it doesn’t happen. My eyes shoot open and I realize that I’m still high and my body isn’t ready for sleep. 

Summer eases herself off my dick and she crawls over to Lindsey. Apparently she wants a chance to finish the job I started and she positions herself between Lindsey’s thighs, pointing her chin up and angling just so, to get the best angle for finishing her off. I sit back and watch this unfold. Back in my head I wonder if this is a show or if they are really into each other. Again, I need to shut off the thinking and be in the moment. Taking in this beautiful sight, I realize that I’m still hard, in amazement. Usually I have to take a beat, but this drug really has me going. My whole body is flushed, like all the blood rose to the surface and pooled in my cock. I decide I need to cool down and slink away to the bathroom. It has a gigantic tiled standing shower with shower heads pointing from every direction. Turning on the tap, I make sure it’s lukewarm. No matter how hard I try, I can’t force myself into a cold shower. I step inside and let the jets get to work. Water running down your body while high on x feels like a bunch of tiny elves tickling you with feathers. I start laughing at this image, probably looking like a deranged weirdo. No cares for me at this moment. I’d left the bathroom door open and the women knock on the glass and ask to come in. Sliding the door open, I usher each one in by taking their hand. There’s more than enough room for all of us and I realize there’s also a couple benches. How convenient! There’s no possible way to keep your hair out of the water, so Lindsey and Summer get in the middle and let the water wash their hairstyles away. I’m not sure there’s anything sexier than a woman with wet hair and mascara running down her face. It’s like getting a glimpse as the person with no accoutrements, just as they are. I take in this sight from the bench and decide to start stroking myself again. Lindsey and Summer finish what they’re doing and turn to me, eyeing my cock. Summer guides Lindsey forward as to offer her up. I stand up and take in her body, rubbing my hands up and down her arms, caressing her slippery skin. Leaning down, I tell her to reach her hands up the wall and spread her legs. She nods in agreement and slowly slides her hands up, lifting a leg to rest on the bench. I guide myself into her and feel transfixed by the tightness of her. This round, I get to take my time. Bracing myself with my hands on her hips, I dig in, grabbing a hold of the fleshy parts of her. I turn to look at Summer and see her on another bench, fingering herself. “You like the view, Summer?” I ask. “Yes, daddy, I like watching you work that cock on my friend,” she replies. This made me so happy. Even though I’m not touching Summer, I’m pleasing her with my performance. Life imitating art, I suppose. “I love watching your ass move back and forth, while your cock plunges in and out. You’re fucking her so good,” she adds. I grab a fist full of Lindsey’s hair and pull her head back so she can see me. Staring into her eyes, I start pounding her a little harder, making a slapping noise when my hips hit her ass. I guide her head to the side and start wildly licking her neck. Lindsey moans and I feel her tighten even more around my cock. I take a bite of her neck and hear her let out a little scream. “Did that hurt baby?” “No, Timo, I love it. Keep working on my neck,” she says. I go back to work, biting and sucking her neck. We keep this rhythm for quite a while, as I occasionally peer over my shoulder and send little smiles to Summer, who keeps working at her orgasm. I reach around the front of Lindsey and find her clit, which makes her jump a little. Working diligently, I trace a circle around her clit, while pumping firmly into her. This gets her going and I feel her tighten and loosen, over and over, around my cock. She finally lets go and orgasms with so much intensity, she looses her legs under her and I have to catch her before she falls to the ground. I hug her in tight while her body keeps convulsing. She gets still and turns her head, kissing me hard. I settle her on the bench and see Summer hasn’t cum yet. She gets on her knees and keeps rubbing herself, while she slides my cock in and out of her mouth. This is a beautiful sight and I feel myself getting closer to cumming. Summer finally gets hers and tries to keep blowing me, but loses concentration. My cock is back in my hands and I stroke myself until I orgasm, letting my cum drip down her chest. She rubs the cum into her chest, and sends an evil little smile up to me. Summer and Lindsey look exhausted. Between the orgasms, alcohol and late hour, I imagine they are ready for bed. I could kick them out, but I kind of don’t want to be alone all night in this hotel. “Are you two wanting some sleep?” They both nod with their tired eyes. “I’m not ready to sleep yet, but you two go lay down. I’ll join you in a bit.” 

After they leave the bathroom, I leave the shower on, turn off the lights and turn on a playlist I visited often during my Italian summer. Feeling slightly sobered up, I sink down onto the ground and let the water wash over me. Remembering all the water I played in with Armie, I run through some of my favorite memories. I remember staying up so late, talking with him for hours, barely able to keep my eyes open, but not letting myself fall asleep, for fear of missing out on a moment. His taste, comes back to me. That taste that has no words to sufficiently describe. The taste of his mouth, the taste of his skin, the taste of his cum. Sometimes I thought I could sustain myself on that taste alone, only to realize hours later I still needed to eat and drink. I remember all of our love-making sessions. We had such a hard time getting away, but luckily we had the excuse of needing to run lines and Liz never caught on. Mostly, I missed sleeping with his hot skin on mine. I never cared how hot it made me, I had to stay next to him no matter what. Tears start pouring from my eyes and the longing for him hits me hard in the stomach. The music is up loud enough, I don’t care how much noise I make crying. I try to get this sadness out of me, and only expel a small portion of it from my body with the tears. Collecting myself, I decide that sleeping next to these women might take the edge off. I turn off the tap and dry myself slowly, checking my face to make sure you can’t tell I was crying. Making my way to the bed, I almost wish I were alone, but push that out of my mind. Maybe if I close my eyes, the heat from their bodies might soothe me. Seeing them tangled up together, both already fast asleep, I peel back the covers. I work my way in between them so I’m the cream in the Oreo. I lay away for a while, remembering the time I woke up before Armie and got to watch him sleeping without his knowing. Finally I close my eyes and hope I can start tomorrow with putting him out of my mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad Timmy reminiscing over a lovely memory that takes place on the set of CMBYN. Waterfalls, caves and lots of anal. Yay!!

Chapter 3

I wake up alone in a darkened hotel room, disoriented and hurting. My head pounds, my eyes burn, my legs and back are sore, I’m drenched in sweat and I feel more depressed than I ever have before. I touch my cheek and realize that it’s wet and I’ve been crying in my sleep, but that doesn’t shock me. The tears on my fingertips take me back to the cave where one of my fondest memories lives. The dampness stirs up the sense memories associated with one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. 

Although I can’t settle on one experience during shooting CMBYN that was my favorite, this one stands out as so precious and sensual, it is a contender for the number one spot. When Armie and I were shooting the scene at Serio Waterfalls, we happened upon a secret hideaway. Before the cameras started rolling, we walked around a bit to take in the beautiful sights. At this point in shooting, Armie and I had fallen hard for each other and walking around in nature with him felt like a romantic dream. As much as I wanted to hold his hand, kiss his neck, watch the water droplets collect on his hair and eyelashes, we were being watched and restraint was a must. If I could have been free with him in this moment, I would have been attached to him, taking his beautiful face in both of my hands and giving him the deepest kisses I could muster, showing him that my body was there for whatever whim possessed him. I would have made him sit on the ground and crawled between his legs, letting him cradle me, leaning my back into his chest, him resting his head on my shoulder, while both of us watched the water rush down the fall, saying nothing at all because there would be no words necessary. That’s what I let my imagination do during that walk, but in reality we had to keep our distance, minus the normal horseplay we both were known to engage in from time to time. We shared long glances when no one was looking, communicating what we wanted without allowing the physical aspect to occur. 

During the walk, I spied something that awed me. Not far from the waterfall was an opening to a cave. I spotted it first and turned to Armie with wide eyes. “Armie, are you seeing this?” I asked coyly as I slid my hand down the front of my pants, grasping the erection that I could no longer conceal. I watched Armie’s eyes sweep from connecting with mine, down to the hand grasping my cock, to the cave behind me. He let out a sigh and moved his hand to grip the erection he got just from taking in this sight. Armie knew what this was, without me telling him in that moment. All of the late night conversations I had with him about my sexual desires, which were vast, often included my desire to have sex in nature. Living in NYC, there really is no having sex in nature. One of my best sexual memories from my tween years was summering in France with my family, taking long walks alone out into the rolling hills and pleasuring myself in the afternoon underneath a tree. The smells that wafted on a summer breeze combined with spilling my semen in the grass, were memories I could revisit time and time again when I needed inspiration for masturbation. There are alleyways and parks in NYC, but nothing available like an immersive natural scene where no one will happen upon you making love. Armie knew immediately what I wanted to happen in that cave and watching the flush wash over his face and the desire in his eyes was almost enough to make me throw caution to the wind and unzip his pants right then and there, but I controlled myself and nodded to him, indicating that we had a plan for our evening. He nodded back, letting a smile wash over him, baring his teeth to me, then licking his lips in anticipation. 

Having this anticipation between us really fueled the scene when we shot it later that day. You can see the energy and wonder pulsing through both of us on that hillside. The anticipation Oliver and Elio felt in that scene was a direct parallel for Armie and I. It was a long day shooting, but after everyone finished their dinner, wine and espresso, Armie and I had a renewed energy. Liz was tired and wanted to go lay down with the kids and Luca had plans to meet up with a friend, so we didn’t even have to make an excuse to get away. Armie told Liz he’d be up rehearing the next day’s scenes with me and that was all it took to steal away. The two of us hopped on a scooter and got as close to the falls as we could, before heading off on foot. During the scooter ride, with my arms wrapped around his waist and my lips attached to his shoulder blade, I pressed my hard cock into the back of him, sliding up and down his lower spine. I knew this was dangerous, but I could help myself having such easy access to his ass. Armie just gripped the handlebars tighter, the muscles in his back tensing and sped up, rushing to get us there. When he parked the scooter, he turned over his shoulder with a concerned look on his face and said, “You know you could have caused an accident, right?” “I meant no harm, Armie,” I breathlessly whispered while lowering my head, trying to feign submission. He grasped my chin between his thumb and forefinger, and pulled my face so I was looking in his eyes, “Never apologize for desiring me, just be careful” he said earnestly and forcefully. My breath caught in my chest and I replied, “Never again,” while reaching up and pulling his face to mine for the first of many, many kisses that evening. 

It was so dark, walking up the hillside that we had to turn on a flashlight for fear of tripping and falling. Armie was scared this would draw attention to us, as we were trespassing, but literally no one was around, so it didn’t matter. I didn’t care if we were found out, not in the slightest. The only thing I was thinking about was tasting my Armie. All we could hear was the roar of the waterfall and crickets. Both of us were starting to sweat as the hot summer night and humidity from the falls clung to us and by the time we reached the opening of the cave we were panting and soaked. Just beside the cave was a cool, calm pool of water and we lingered there for a moment. Without talking, Armie grabbed the hem of my shirt and I lifted my arms above my head willingly. He had to tug, to get the sticky shirt off my back. As soon as it was off, he grabbed both of my wrists in one hand, wrapping his free arm around my waist and dove his face into my armpit, inhaling my scent and tickling me with his tongue, breathing heavy, setting my skin on fire. My knees buckled and he held me tighter with the arm around my waist, letting me dangle a bit while his mouth started making it’s way up to the inside of my elbow. Another spot, that he knew drove me mad. Extending his tongue and massaging that tender bit of skin, goosebumps appeared all over my body, despite the heat of the summer and the heat of his body pressed against mine. This man knew how to tantalize me and set every nerve ending on fire. He knew how to make me squirm and impatient, knowing how much I liked the tease, but also knowing how I was simultaneously dying to have his cock inside of me. Next, he kissed his way up my forearm and rested his lips on my wrist, parting his mouth, running his tongue over that spot so slowly, I thought I would scream. Suddenly he bit the fleshy part of my palm, and I did scream, not in pain, but sheer pleasure. The way he played with my senses was the best part of our interactions. How did he know to do this to me? I guess his sexual past, plus the way he paid excruciatingly close attention to my reactions gave him this knowledge of how to manipulate my body that no one else had ever had before. Just as I was about to come with my cock still in my pants, Armie pulled away. He knew the way I breathed, the noises I would make, and the look on my face that showed I was about to reach the point of no return. He stepped back and looked me in the face, with a huge grin. Evil, just pure evil. 

I take a beat, then ask, “Can I undress you now?” “Of course, baby,” he replied. Armie liked to be served and I was happy to oblige. With the water rushing behind us, standing in the moonlight, I carefully place my hands under his shirt, on his taught abs, and run my hands up to his pecs, taking the shirt with me. He’s so tall it’s hard to get the shirt over his head and off his arms, but he helps me and then throws the shirt to the ground. I stand for a moment, watching the sweat glisten off every surface of his skin with the sparkle of the moon. He really is a sight to behold and I wanted to burn this image into my brain. I then dropped to my knees to start working on his shorts. Looking up into his eyes, I pop the button and slide the zipper. The shorts are stuck to him with his sweat, so I tug and surprisingly his underwear come down along with the shorts. There he was, completely hard right before my eyes. With not a moment to waste, I take him in my mouth and start working my way down. Still not getting the hang of deep throating, I wrap my hand around his shaft while working his dick as far into my mouth as I can. I’m so happy to have practiced on him many times before this moment, because pleasing him is everything. I’ve run some scenarios of how far I would go for to please this man, and there isn’t much I wouldn’t do. Armie definitely enjoys having me on my knees. He is so imposing when he towers over me this way. I like it when he makes me feel small. Armie takes a fistful of my hair, but doesn’t push. He challenges me, but he also observes my limits. The respect I feel coming from him is often overwhelming. I keep working until he pulls me off saying, “I think we should move to the cave now. I want some privacy with you.” Both of us, still in our shoes, grab our clothes and walk hand in hand into the cave. “Armie, this is so perfect,” I sigh, breathing in as much of the air as I can. The smell of the cave is so earthy and delicious, it makes me even harder. “Thank you for understanding how important this is to me. I know you like to be careful, and this must feel like a risk for you.” “Timmy, I want nothing more than to share experiences with you that will stay in our memories forever,” he says pulling me in tight. “I love how curious you are, amongst your other traits.” I appreciate him saying this so much, but suddenly catch a wave of sadness. This talk about memories makes it so clear this thing we have, has an expiration date. Isn’t it some damn irony that he and I have essentially played out a modern version of Oliver and Elio’s relationship? The ending is approaching, with just another week of scheduled shoots and we haven’t talked about it. It would be too painful. I shake the thought out of my head and focus on this moment, because I’m here now and I can enjoy every second of our time together. It’s more important to be here with him now, than think about what’s next. 

Refocusing my attention, I zone in on the strength of his arm around my back, the look in his eyes like he’s famished and he’s going to devour me, the testosterone seeping out of his pores, giving off the most masculine scent that I never knew I’d love, until meeting him. For a short moment, I realize that it’s so hard to see anything more than a few inches from my face, and that makes all my other senses turn up. I need his taste again and I delicately take a nipple into my mouth playing gently with my tongue and a little bit of teeth. He lets out a moan, grips me harder and pushes his erection into my belly. Armie pulls back and guides me to lay down on my back. The stone beneath me is hard and cold, a shock to my system after being overheated for so long. He kneels, and grabs a hold of my thighs, pushing them up toward my chest, and delicately takes one long lick from my tailbone to the base of my balls. My body seizes up from the pleasure and Armie takes my cue to take it easy. He comes up to lay beside me and gives me one of those kisses that make me feel like I can’t breath without him right there next to me. I reach my tongue into his mouth to receive more of his delicious taste, savoring the heat coming from inside him. Armie reaches down and gently starts stroking my cock. I remember how surprised he was with my size, the first time I accidentally got hard on set with him, watching his eyes widen as I tried to tame my cock quickly. Since then he’s had his hands on my dick as much as possible, especially slyly when we’re out in public, teasing me when I couldn’t help but respond to his touch. He liked to embarrass me and I loved it. He then moves down and it’s my turn to be blown. Armie is so good at pleasing me with his mouth. Unlike me, he had practice before we met and he seems proud of his skills. I let my body relax and take in the experience, watching his head move up and down, with his ass in the air. Finally, I found my footing in this situation and knew I could keep myself from coming for a while, even though his mouth gives me so much pleasure. 

Armie asks, “Can we stand up? I don’t want us to get bruised, rolling around on the ground.” “Yes, of course,” although I wouldn’t mind bruises from our sex, I don’t want to have to answer questions if anyone on set notices. He gets to his feet, reaches a hand down to pull me up and immediately spins me around so my ass is pushed up against his hard cock and walks me over to the wall of the cave, hands digging into my hips. Armie grabs my wrists in one hand again and pulls them down to one side, creating an arch in my back. He pushes my face and shoulders against the cave wall, so I can steady myself, and puts his lips to my ear. “I’m going to take your ass now, and you’re going to love my cock more than you’ve loved anything else in your life, past or future. The only thing that matters is my cock and your ass, right now.” I would have fallen to the ground if he hadn’t pinned me to the wall. This man has complete control over me; I can’t help but nod my head and whisper, “Yes, you’re the only thing that matters.” With that consent, he slowly starts pushing the head of his cock against the rim of my hole and drawing it back over and over, adding his spit each time. The anticipation is excruciating and he knows that. I am breathing so hard, it feels like I’ve just run a marathon and I have to convince myself to relax the lower half of me. Finally, he pushes hard enough to to get inside and I let out a cry, while some tears come to my eyes. I’m not crying from pain, but from the pleasure of knowing our bodies are finally one and no one can separate us in this moment. Tears start streaming, while Armie pushes deeper, but he can’t see, so I let them go easily. Honing in again, I start to experience the physical pleasure of the head of his cock bumping against my prostate. How does he do that every time? It’s like he knows how to position me perfectly for the maximum amount of pleasure. He lets go of my wrists and guides my hands up the cave wall, so my arms are stretched above me again. Armie likes me like this, I suppose because he can take in the full length of all my limbs. He’s said many times how much he covets the thin, sinewy look of me, which is surprising come from a man with an essentially perfect physique. Grabbing onto my hips he thrusts himself into me deeper and deeper while we fall into a perfect rhythm of grinding that almost feels like dancing. Armie leans in and pushing my head to the side with his, he then starts licking my neck all the way from my trap to my jawline, over and over again. This is too much for me to take after a few passes of his tongue and I turn my head and capture his mouth with mine. Moaning into my mouth, I can sense Armie is getting close to orgasm, so I ask, “Can I take a turn?” He lowers his eyes and they go dark. “You know that’s not my favorite. You’re so big, it’s hard to take you. But this was your fantasy, so I’ll allow it.” I smile and kiss him, saying, “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” while he exits me. I take the same position he was just in, which is a little difficult with our height difference. Encouraging him to spread his legs, he lowers his ass to the right spot, while steadying himself against the wall of the cave. Gently, I caress his ass, then slip in a wetted finger to help him loosen up. He lets some tension go, while I work my finger in and out and he drops some of his weight, while gripping tighter to the cave wall. I can’t wait another moment, so I spit into my hand, take a swipe at my cock, then guide it into him. God, there is no better feeling than being inside Armie. He’s so tight and warm, it’s like the sweetest sensation I could ever experience. I run my hands up his back and latch onto his shoulders, giving myself some more leverage. Grinding my pelvis into his ass is so hot, I’m glad I can see some of what’s happening. Armie starts breathing hard and making sounds that let me know he is loving this. All this fuss he puts up over not being able to take me, but sometimes I think he likes it even more than him being on top. Once I find my rhythm, I reach around and start stroking his cock. He lets out little yelps, letting me know he’s almost there. So am I after all the glorious sensuality that’s taken place this evening, so I finally let go and spill my load into his ass, while he comes, spurting against the wall of the cave. Both of us are breathing heavily, shaking, while we let our orgasms wash over us. Finally we both find some stillness and I remove my body from his. We turn to face each other, embrace and kiss so tenderly. Armie takes my hand and directs me to sit with my back against the cave wall. He crawls between my legs and leans back on my chest. I place my hand on his forehead, then sweep my fingers through his wet hair. Burying my face in his hair, I breath deeply, trying to bank this memory of his smell after fucking in a cave. I’ll definitely want to visit it later. Armie stirs and tries to talk, “Timmy, I…” his voice gets caught in his throat. “It’s okay, Armie. I know what’s happening here and we don’t have to talk about it tonight.” He nods his head, understanding that we shouldn’t spoil what we have just experienced with talk of the end. After a few moments, we’re too cold from sitting on the cave floor and I suggest we take a dip in the water. He agrees and we walk back to the water’s edge. I kneel down and remove his shoes and he does the same for me. We don’t go out too far, just both take a dip under the water to rinse our faces and hair. Both of us are so tired, we don’t try to swim around and agree we should get dressed and head back. 

After we dress and hop back on the scooter, I start to relish in the experience we’ve had this evening. It was truly everything I could have imagined and more. The smells, the feel of his body against mine, the coolness of the cave adding an extra beautiful element, being truly alone in nature, the intense orgasms racking our bodies, it was perfect and I kept sending wordless messages to Armie, thanking him for being open to this experience and letting me explore. He really wants me to be happy, I decide. He wants for my body and mind to experience pleasure and he gives that to me at every chance we get. Arriving back on the piazza, I’m not ready to let him go, but I know this is where our night ends. With Liz in town there’s no sleeping in the same bed. Armie parks and gets off the scooter, holding my hand one last time, since no one is around. His eyes look sad, but he smiles through it and kisses me tenderly. “Tonight was incredible, Timmy. I’m so glad I got to share that with you.” I look up at him, knitting my brow, letting a tear come to my eye. “It really was. I’m glad it was you.” Hugging him in tightly one last time, I whisper goodnight and turn to walk away. We’ll see each other tomorrow and be able to communicate wordlessly the memories of last night and be happy to share this secret. 

I remembered everything, while laying in this hotel bed, regretting my choices from last night. The starkness of the beauty of this memory with the ugliness I feel right now is too much. I can’t think of anything to do, but distract myself. I get up and notice that the girls left me a note. Apparently they couldn’t wake me and left their numbers on a slip of paper. There’s no way I could care about them right now, so I tear it up in tiny pieces and throw it in the waste basket. I decide I should shower again and down some water. Next, I text Abel and he responds immediately, telling me he’s still here and I should come to his room and order lunch. I sigh and agree to meet him, because what else can I do now? I can’t have Armie, I don’t want anyone else, I might as well just see if I can shake myself out of this funk and continue on with the distractions, hoping that somehow I can focus on something that takes away the sadness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timothée heads to LA and Abel orchestrates an evening Timothée could never have imagined.

As I collected myself and walked to Abel’s room, I realized that this despair over Armie existed because of the contrast to the way I felt last night. I’m sure I heard about this, or read about it. The euphoria I felt then, has left an empty feeling right now. With this realization, I comfort myself and think that I will eventually be okay. I just have to ride this mood out and I will be back to myself later. Armie and I can’t be. I have accepted that and what I’m doing now is what people colloquially call “moving on.” My motivations are my art and fun, especially in the form of sexual adventures. I don’t want to wake up ten years down the road and think I held myself back from joyful experiences. Just thinking that opens me up to enjoy the day and leave behind the sadness I just felt. The come down is rough, but I did have fun. New experiences are certainly good for me and my acting career. I mull around the idea that some drug use from time to time, might help me experience different emotions and points of view, which could help my acting. That seems kind of fuzzy at the moment, but I’ll revisit the idea once some time passes. 

Walking back into the hotel room I realize it’s not as beautiful as I thought it was. The drugs made it that way. Funny how that works. The idea of altered reality can be tucked away for now. Abel’s spread out, lounging on the couches, sitting around with his crew. 

“Hey man, welcome back,” he says with a grin. I run my hand through my hair and say hi, like a sheepish, coy little thing, but I can’t hide my emotions, I lower my eyes and let the smile spread across my face. “Oh, good night then, Timo?” Abel asks without missing a beat. 

“Yeah, you could say that,” I reply chuckling to myself. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling proud of my accomplishment, but glad I had this new experience. 

“Dude, share the details. You know we’re dying to hear.” 

Suddenly I feel a twinge of discomfort. I know I’ve shared with him in the past and that people were overhearing, but half his crew were siting down in the living room. I’m worried that someone could share rumors, but then again, they work for Abel. They have practice at keeping their mouths shut. This must be what people call “singing for your supper.” I think that I have to share something to get them off my back. Armie taught me to be cautious, so I need to stay on my toes and not share too much. That seems difficult, considering I likely am still experiencing the effects of the molly, but I’m going to try my best. “Yeah man, you know it was a fun time. I enjoyed myself,” I sputter out as a blush blooms on my cheeks. Abel makes a motion with his hand that expresses “tell me more.” Shit. I sit down and tent my fingers in front of my face before speaking. “Okay, okay… so, yeah, I fucked them at the same time. It was pretty spectacular.” 

Abel throws a fist into the air and hollers, “That’s my boy!” His guys share some nods and smiles in approval. He starts laughing and rolling around on the couch and I think maybe I’d said enough. Wrong. “Stop holding out, man!” he jabs. 

I sigh and against my better judgment, I just let it all out. “The women were into each other, like legitimately seemed to like fucking each other. One was on my dick and the other rode my face. Then we fucked in the shower for a while longer. Beautiful bodies, both of them. Great asses. They wore me out.” I kind of hate myself a little for talking like this, it’s not me. Also, I leave out the part about crying in the shower and in bed this morning. Everyone looks pretty satisfied with my response. 

“Alright boy, that sounds like my kind of night. Did you kick them out when you were done?” 

That hit me right in the gut. I wouldn’t be so cruel as to throw a woman out of my room after I was done having sex with her. My manners are good and I let them decide when to go. “No, they slept over, but I guess I was passed out. They must have left a while ago.” 

“Too bad you couldn’t get yourself another helping this morning.” 

I force a laugh, “Man, I don’t think I could handle it. My head is killing me. Any chance food is on the way?” 

“Should be here any minute, kick back and relax. What do you need bro?” he asks. 

“Probably some gatorade and Advil?” I mumble while holding my head. 

“You got it.” One of his guys jumps up and calls the front desk. 

“Thanks, man,” I say with a sigh of relief. 

I lay back and wait for the food and supplies to arrive. It’s only a couple of minutes before there’s a knock on the door and I feel so much relief. Abel gets good service. He is filthy rich after all. I down the Advil and throw back the entire bottle of gatorade. Abel smirks at me while giving the side eye. I know what he’s thinking: “This kid is inexperienced.” So what if I am, there’s no shame here. Maybe my life has been a little sheltered, but I’m thankful for that, considering the outcomes of different childhoods. 

The rest of the afternoon is uneventful. We eat our food and joke around. Play some FIFA on the Xbox and I decide it’s time to go. This adventure is closing. I hope I haven’t made huge mistakes by sleeping with those women and telling Abel and his crew about it. My privacy is imperative, and there’s a lot of room for something to go wrong here. I guess there’s no use worrying about it now. What’s done is done. All I can think about is getting home, putting on some sweats and lounging while I graze for the rest of the day. I’m beyond exhausted and I don’t want to push myself by going out again tonight. There is definitely no level of expertise when it comes to me drinking or using drugs. I know I’m going to feel terrible for a while and I wonder if any of this is really worth it? Feeling like shit for a whole day seems to be a waste, but having fun is not. I guess that’s the price you have to pay sometimes. 

_________________________________________________________________

Life goes on as usual for the next couple of weeks. I see my family, take meetings, get together with friends, chill out with my video games and music, all the while keeping a low profile. Sometimes I think about how much longer I get to be rather anonymous and I feel a wave of anxiety with the possibilities of the future. My name’s going to be associated with some bigger projects and I’m not sure what life has in store for me. In the meantime, I’m just trying to take care of myself and continue to be open to new experiences. The only thing I’m avoiding is that tall, handsome man I once fell for. I feel the need for distance and left a few of his texts unread. This feels passive aggressive, but I’m not sure what I need to say or what needs to happen and avoidance is the only way I can think of to deal with this now. 

Luckily, once the boredom of having a break from working sets in, Abel reaches out as if he knew I needed excitement in my life. He offers to fly me out to LA and stay with him at his mansion in Hidden Hills. I jump on the offer, pack my bag and head to JFK. Abel must have given them special instructions, because the stewardess is a little too friendly with me. I close my eyes and try to sleep, so she leaves me alone. That much attention makes me uncomfortable, especially the flirting from a woman a decade older than me. I don’t need to be treated like royalty, that’s for sure. One of Abel’s drivers picks me up and I’m headed out to his place. Driving up on the mansion, my stomach clenches, taking in the sight of it. This feels unreal, just like something out of a movie. I can’t believe this is a place someone lives. This could not be more different than New York. His house is secluded and gigantic. More space than any one person could ever need. Outside the house there’s probably 30 cars lined up. I guess he’s having a party. Taking some deep breaths, I collect myself and head into the house. 

The driver hands me off to another employee who greets me and takes me to my room. The house is humming with chatter, laughter and music. No one seems to have heard me come in, so I can sneak away quickly. 

“Welcome, Mr. Chalamet. I’m Mr. Tesafe’s assistant, Bianca. Can I offer you anything?” she says with an earnest look on her face while guiding me. 

I’m taking in my surroundings, not looking where I’m going and almost lose my footing. Thank goodness I haven’t made a fool out of myself yet. It would be a shame to fall on my face in this gorgeous home, around these gorgeous people. “No thank you, I’m just going to shower and change real quick.” 

Bianca leads me to one of the many guest rooms. “Let me know if the bathroom isn’t stocked with what you need. I’ll let Mr. Tesafe know you’ve arrived.” 

“Thank you so much, Bianca I appreciate your help,” I reply. She nods, turns, and closes the door behind her. I take a breath and look around. Everything is immaculate, minimalist and modern. The style is very pleasing, with muted gray and blue tones. Beyond the king size bed, is a window looking out over the yard. The curtains are drawn and I take a peek. I see Abel lounging by the pool with a drink in hand, a circle of women sitting around him looking way too interested in what he’s talking about. Scanning the rest of the yard, I see people swimming, lounging, a couple small groups of people dancing. It looks like a pretty standard party, until I notice all of the people in uniforms buzzing around with drinks and trays. This is all rather upscale, but I think I’ll figure out how to fit in. I throw open the bathroom door and gawk. There’s a huge skylight, so the room is filled with sunshine. On one side stands a massive tub set in dark gray stone and on the other side is an even bigger shower. There’s a tray of products set out with French labels. I recognize them and their value. Abel cuts no corners, apparently. Stripping off my clothes, I walk in and notice the heated tile floor. Nice touch! Once the water gets going I realize there’s some sort of essential oil thing happening in the shower, so I breath deeply while holding myself against the wall. This helps calm my nerves and I’m ready to face this throng of Abel’s guests. After my shower I dress in my swim trunks, t-shirt, flip flops and sunglasses, feeling very Elio-esque. It’s a beautiful day and I plan to enjoy the pool. As I open the door, I’m surprised to see Abel. 

“Hey man, welcome to my home,” he offers, pulling me into a hug. 

“I’m so happy to be here, thank you so much for the invite. I was getting a little bored at home, so perfect timing.”

“Must be my spidey senses or something,” he cracks. 

I let out a belly laugh. I don’t see this playful side of Abel very often, but I’m glad it’s out today. 

Abel motions for us to go back to the main room. Leading the way, “Let me introduce you to everyone. I decided to have a cookout today. Hope you don’t mind.”

“No, of course not, the more the merrier!” I honestly mean that. Meeting new people is usually a fun thing for me and I’m ready now. 

Abel guides me around like I’m a show pony or something. Feels pretty familiar to the way Armie trotted me around, making introductions. Everyone here seems to be industry. Abel is singing my praises, talking about how I’m the next big thing. I didn’t know he felt that way about me. Abel’s talked about his appreciation for my art, but not in this way. It feels good to know he sees me as talented, but it makes me bashful. Luckily, being bashful is incredibly charming to these people. They must not be used to humility. Abel finally has introduced me to nearly everyone and no one seemed intriguing enough to talk with at length. There really are many differences between New York and LA people, and you can guess who I prefer. Feeling a little deflated, I decide to put on a happy face and figure out what I can get out of this day. Abel and I settle in pool side and I get ready to take a swim. I realize that my skin is blindly white compared to these people. More of my New York roots showing… I’m not embarrassed by my body, so I dive in and splash around. I’m the only guy in the pool, so I swim around past the different women and smile like a ham. One of them stops me on my second lap. I can’t tell from being in the water, but I think she’s my height and has a shock of platinum blond hair. Wearing a full face of makeup in the pool is kind of strange, but I chalk it up to cultural differences. 

“Hey you’re Timothée, right?” she asks with an accent I just can’t place. 

“Yep, that’s me. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?”

“I’m Natasha, nice to meet you too. Beautiful day for a swim, huh?”

“Absolutely. I don’t think it could possibly be nicer than this,” I reply with a crooked grin on my face. “How do you know Abel?” I ask.

“Oh, I don’t really. You could say I work for him in a way.”

That’s pretty vague. I decide to pry. “What do you mean by work for him? Like show up and swim in his pool for money? I can see why he would want you around…” I trail off. Damn it, Timmy, keep your cool. 

“No, silly. I work for him,” she says slower while lifting her sunglasses and winking at me. 

“Ohhhhh….. Okay. I get it,” I say feeling like a naive asshole. I shouldn’t have asked. 

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t bite. Let’s keep this between you and me though. Abel likes to keep it a secret.”

“Yes, of course. Secret’s safe with me.” Low profile, indeed. I know this side of Abel and I can’t say I’m surprised that he has hired sex workers to attend his party. Maybe that explains the circle of women I saw him sitting in earlier. “What do you do for fun, Natasha?” I ask trying not to be rude and run away from her as soon as I learn how she makes her living. She may be interesting regardless, so I commit to the conversation. 

“I’m trying to break into acting, so when I’m not working I attend a lot of acting workshops and I do a little local theater here and there. I think maybe I should try more modeling, just to get my face out there.” 

“That’s really great! You should totally go for it. What kinds of roles are you interested in?” 

“Where I grew up in the Ukraine, we didn’t get a huge selection of movies coming through. Mostly action flicks and not much else. I see myself as the quirky best friend in a romantic comedy or the strange neighbor on some sitcom,” she replies. 

I mull this over for a second. She’s more like the smoking hot next door neighbor, but I don’t think that’s what I should say. “You don’t seem really passionate about those kinds of roles. Is that really what you want?”

“I’m not sure what I want yet. I think I am having trouble picturing the future. Right now I just want to learn what I can and hopefully my vision for what I want will come to me.” 

That seems reasonable, but I wonder if she has the passion needed to make it in this business. We all have to be a little crazy to believe that our dreams for prolific acting careers will come true. There’s no need to judge her right now. She’s sexy and nice and I’m going to enjoy that. 

The rest of the afternoon passes like this: in the water, out of the water, drinks, Abel cracking jokes and groping women, laughing, dancing, people stumbling around, obviously over-served, munching on gourmet snacks from a beautiful spread and passed hors d’oeuvres, cater waiters mumbling about our stupid antics behind their hands. I feel so good. Relaxed and spoiled at the same time. Maybe I could enjoy life in LA from time to time. 

I should have known it wouldn’t be long before Abel broke out his spread of drugs. He offered me some pot gummies and I throw caution to the wind. I know California weed is much stronger than anything I’m used to, but when in L.A. ... I’m along for the ride, but get a little comatose. I drape myself over a deck chair and Natasha comes over and plays with my hair. High as a kite and having my hair played with is pretty fantastic. I’m too high to get hard, which is how I normally respond to a beautiful woman playing with my hair. So I daydream and soak in the relaxation. 

Eventually Abel makes a suggestion on how we spend the rest of our night. I say suggestion lightly, it’s more like he’s telling me what I’m doing. We’re going to his yacht, which is about an hour away. I take another quick shower, dress in nicer clothes and hop into one of the four black SUVs lined up in his driveway. Some of the party guests split off and others stay behind. It will be a more intimate gathering once we get there. Abel gets in another SUV and I’m with a couple of the sex workers, which I doubt is an accident. I tell them that I’m still out of it and they let me lounge while they talk to each other. The music is loud and I feel like I’m riding a wave between the car moving and the bounce of the bass. I turn on a couple of glitch videos and dive deep into my high. Here’s a new experience. Being high on edibles is way different and I can tell my perceptions are a little distorted, but in that good way of things looking more sparkly and interesting. Before I know it, we’re there. The doors fly open on the SUVs, I step out and get the waft of warm air, carrying the sea breeze. One of my favorite smells in life. I look around to see who’s along for the yacht ride tonight. Abel and I are the only men in the group. What the hell? I realize what’s going on and see that Abel just brought his “hired help.” Okay, this is some next level rich person shit. Why would he not tell me that this was the plan for tonight? Perhaps he thought I would say no, since I’m green. There’s that feeling of being controlled again, but I have no way out. I’m going to be on a yacht with Abel and prostitutes and that is what’s in front of me. Leaning into this experience is my only option, other than pouting in a corner and ruining everyone’s evening. 

This is definitely not an experience I would choose for myself, but after letting the news sink in, I get a twinge of excitement for what’s about to happen. It almost feels taboo, and something about this being “wrong” gets me going. I’ve never really thought about being with a sex worker and I can’t be sure where I stand ethically. Certainly, I don’t begrudge them their means of employment, but is it the right thing for me to use their “services”? Living in New York, learning about sex workers usually happens at a young age, so I’ve know about them for some time. I just never put myself into the equation. Once again, Abel is creating an experience for me where I have to grapple with some serious doubts about what is appropriate in terms of interacting with women. He’s got that lasso around me that is slowly pulling me into the black hole, and I give up a little resistance and let him. 

Abel grins at me, seeing that I realize what has happened. I give him a little salute and his grin cracks even larger. He’s showing off, which is something I never put past him. Abel always seems to have something to prove, but it comes out from that cool, collected facade in subtle ways that most people aren’t privy to. What he has is bigger, better and more envelope pushing than those around him. His achievement need is off the charts and I guess having a hoard of sex workers says something about his success. I suppose it would depend on who’s interpreting the situation to decide what kind of success this is. Leaving my judgement behind, I board the yacht. 

His 60 foot yacht is named Rich. That’s a little too on the nose, if you ask me. His insignia is burned on each surface. That seems over the top, but I guess that’s one way of marking your territory. There is custom track lighting that could rival some art installations I’ve seen in museums. He has another crew, consisting of a captain, a couple mates and some caterers. The women file in ahead of me and settle in on the seats above deck. The caterers rush over with drinks and food. Abel must have snuck in behind me, because the yacht starts to move. I wobble a little on my feet and fall into a seat across from the sex workers. Embarrassed, I smooth my clothes and hair and try to look like I didn’t just fall down. I try to look unaffected, but I’m sure my cheeks are red and my eyes still droopy from the pot. 

I try to start a conversation with the group, but automatically sense that they are here to work and I trip over all my words. How do you act natural when someone is paid to be in your company? They have to act interested, care about what I say, laugh on cue. Looking at them, I can’t separate who they are from what they do. The women are impressibly coiffed, with beautiful, but revealing outfits. Their breasts are on display and it doesn’t take much to imagine what they would look like naked. I’m reminded of the wives in Mad Max: Fury Road. One of each flavor. That seems to be how Abel chose this group as well. There is so much variety between thin and curvy, skin tone, hair color, height. It seems as though there’s a woman to satisfy any desire. Personally, I try not to view women that way, but we all have types. I tend toward thin, petite women with dark hair, but lately have been curious to play with a woman who has more meat on her bones. I start to eye the voluptuous redhead with tattoos, wondering if anywhere beneath her dress is tattooed. She has delicate flowers wrapping up her forearms. Even from this distance, I can tell artist was highly skilled. 

Before my staring becomes creepy, Abel reappears and asks me to step away from the women for a moment. He takes me to the helm of the ship and looks out into the bay, gripping the railing. I do the same, breathing in the sea air. 

“How you doing, my friend?” Abel prods.

“Oh man, this is pretty wild. I’m kind of nervous. I’ve never been in a situation like this before,” I earnestly reply. 

“I figured I would introduce you. Listen, I know you might not agree with this kind of lifestyle, but I’m telling you it’s great. There’s no problems attached, nothing to worry about, as long as you wrap it up. It’s nice to fuck and not deal with all the emotional bullshit, worrying if you’re really making her happy. This is just an exchange that can be as simple as you like. Ask for anything and you shall receive.” 

I nod my head, trying to seem like I’m in agreement, but really I just feel conflicted. My brain is still fuzzy from the pot, and I realize that I’m not prepared to make an informed decision at this point. What I decide is that I’ll give this a chance and see what I think about it later. I don’t imagine I’ll thoroughly regret the events of one night for the rest of my life. That doesn’t seem reasonable. “Okay, sure, I’m cool with this. Thanks for going to all this trouble for me. I definitely didn’t expect this to be my night, but I’ll make the most of it.”

Abel pulls me in for a hug. “Hey man, do you need a little pick me up? You still seem pretty stoned.”

“What do you have in mind?” I retort.

Abel reaches into his pocket and produces another baggie of pills. “I’d suggest some Adderall. What do you think?”

Seems harmless enough, so I get him to hand them over and put one in my mouth and hope for the best. Abel leads me back to the area where the women are seated. 

“Ladies, who is ready for the festivities to begin?” he said while smiling broadly. 

The women give out little yells while kicking out their feet and throwing their hands up. They seem rather enthused, which I’m not surprised by. The women are essentially acting. 

“If you will, please follow me to the captain’s chambers,” Abel says while motioning the way. The engines roar on the boat as we pick up a little speed . The ride is super smooth, so it’s easy for us to move around on the deck and make our way down some stairs to the bedroom. It is obscene, how large this bedroom is. There are portholes on two walls, a California King bed, couches and benches along the perimeter and a dining table big enough for eight guests, already set with bottles of champagne, fruit and cheese. Every surface is sleek and reproductions of minimalist paintings line the walls. I spy a silver tray that appears to have an assortment of drugs and pills lined up. That’s probably what Abel was up to while I was trying to socialize earlier. Some of the women linger around the tray, choosing their poison for the evening. I would not call this room anything but luxurious. As the women settle into seats with freshened drinks, Abel pulls me to the middle of the room, at the foot of the bed. Suddenly, I feel like I’m on stage about to give a performance I’ve never prepared for and have a rush of panic. 

“Ladies, let me introduce you again to the amazingly talented actor, Mr. Timothée Chalamet.” I play along and give a little bow in every direction. The women giggle at me. They must know I’m a dork by now, but I don’t care. “May I have everyone’s attention. This is his first time sharing the company of lovely ladies, such as yourselves, and I want him to have a night he never forgets, so let’s raise our glasses and toast to Timo getting thoroughly fucked.” Wow, wow, wow. I’m sure I can’t keep the awe from showing on my face and I break out into a breathy laugh. The women nod in understanding and seem up for the challenge. “So Timo, play until you can’t play anymore.” With that, Abel turns on some music and goes to sit down with a blonde he has been eyeing and groping all day. I’m screaming inside. This is too much. It feels like I don’t have a way out or couldn’t say no. And where is this all going down? Is this room just going to turn into an orgy? I decide I need some of that champagne to calm my nerves, so I grab a glass and sit in the empty seat next to the redhead. Maybe she can calm me. 

“Hi, you can call me Amber,” she says extending her hand for me to kiss it. I do, willingly and let my gaze settle on her breasts a moment before looking back into her eyes. She smirks at me and I get hard. “You like what you see, Mr. Chalamet?”

“Yes, very much.” The blush on my face is out of control. I’m embarrassed at how easily I’m flustered. I’m not used to diving in this quickly and I miss the interactions that lead up to sex, like trying to make her laugh and asking about her life. There is literally nothing that needs to take place before this woman agrees to fuck me. That shakes me a little, but I push it away again. 

She raises her hand and traces her finger across my jaw and down my throat, while sliding in closer. “What can I do for you this evening?”

I lower my lips to her ear. “You heard Abel, I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m not sure what’s appropriate. Can you help me out with that?” I knit my brow and look into her eyes, pleading for her to take the lead. 

Amber smiles and caresses my cheek. “Listen, we’re all here to fulfill every whim. Nothing is off limits. Just be careful not to leave any marks. Most of the girls don’t want to deal with that.” 

I feel better having a tiny bit of direction. “Why don’t we steal away for a bit?”

Amber follows me back onto the deck and I’m happy for the privacy, but I notice I feel funny, in a familiar way. I look around and see the trail of the light coming from the moon and stars. Molly. I freak out for a second, wondering if this was on purpose. Abel doesn’t seem to be the type to do something this egregious, but maybe he did. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so I decide to enjoy my high. The two of us stand on the deck, mesmerized by the sparkle of the stars on the water, holding on to the rail and let the wind whip around us. It’s a very clear night and everything looks shiny and perfect. I’m emboldened and decide not to try to force some kind of typical interaction, just to feel like I’m “doing the right thing.” I don’t feel like it’s going to be genuine, so why try? Committing to this attitude, I wrap an arm around Amber’s waist and press my erection against her warm, supple stomach. I look down to admire her amazing breasts and decide that’s where I want to start. Eyeing her, I guess her breasts are bigger than any I’ve interacted with in person, which excites me. Setting down my drink, I sink down and bury my face into her luscious cleavage, smelling her skin and kissing all over. Amber lets out a little moan, letting me know this is okay. I slip down the straps of her dress and bra and lift each breast free from the clothing, taking the nipple into my mouth and twirling my tongue over it, before letting the breast fall. Then I spend what feels like forever, kneading her breasts, taking her nipples between my teeth, while alternating from side to side. Amber buries her hands in my hair and tugs a little, making my cock twitch. What I enjoy most is the weight of her breasts and how much jiggle they have, as I’m handling them. I’m starting to understand the appeal of curvy women. I come up to meet her eyes and go in for a kiss. Remembering all of the tropes of sex workers on tv and film, you’re not supposed to kiss, but she doesn’t push me away. Amber melts into my arms while I search her mouth, with my tongue. She tastes sweet and delicious, and leans passionately into the exchange, holding my face in her hands. After we separate our mouths, I ask her if I can fuck her, and she agrees. Amber grabs her clutch and removes a condom, handing it to me. Glad she is prepared, because I certainly was not. I have her turn around and unzip her dress, letting it fall to the ground. She steps out of it, and I slip my hands down her hips, helping her remove her panties, taking in the rest of her. She is beautifully covered with tattoos on her back and ass. The colors are bold and the designs are precise and artful. I run my hands down her back, taking all the sights in. Amber has on some tall heels and I ask her to keep them on, because why not? As she stands there, with the light of the moon highlighting all her features, I stare while undressing myself, admiring all her curves and colors. I can’t wait to handle the rest of her body, and turn her again so she’s facing the water and gripping the railing. She really does have a beautiful hourglass shape, with an inviting bubble of a butt. Admiring her ass, I slide my hands down and grab onto each cheek, enjoying the flesh that fills my palms. I grab at the creases and playfully lift her cheeks, letting them bounce around. Whispering in her ear, I ask if she’s ready, and she turns to me, nods yes, while biting her lower lip. I crack a smile and kiss her again, as I slide into her warmth. Groaning, I grab onto her hips and begin to slowly thrust into her. The molly is now in full effect and I’m feeling pure bliss. Feeling my chest expand, I breathe deeply and enjoy the sensations spreading across my skin. The sea breeze tickles me and it’s hard to focus on what I’m doing. I shake my head and zone in again to enjoy the sensation of Amber’s hot, slippery pussy enveloping my dick. My skin lights up with heat just below the surface and then I feel tingling where the wind touches me. All my senses are turned up to 100 and I get mesmerized by the beautiful colors on Amber’s back. I remember her breasts and how much I need to see them. Sliding out of her, I guide her to lay down on a bench and gently rub her clit for a few minutes, while eyeing her breasts. The wetness on my fingers is such a delicious sensation. Pinning her legs in the air, I enter her again and hear her cry out. I ask if she’s okay, and she says yes. I’m so deep inside her, I’m coming up against that beautiful wall, we call the cervix. Seeing her face twist up, I can tell this hurts and I ask again. “Yes it hurts, but in the best possible way. Please don’t stop!” Pinning her legs further, I lean down and grab a breast in each hand. They feel like firm jello wiggling beneath my palms and I’m so into it. The molly amplifies the feeling and connects my sensations from my palms to my cock. Keeping rhythm, I hear her breath becoming caught in her chest and her moans louder. Amber then starts yelling “Yes!” over and over, then I feel a gush of hot fluid burst open between us and run down my balls and thighs. I can’t understand what’s happening for a moment, before the light bulb flashes on and I realize she just squirted all over me. This has never happened before and I couldn’t feel more proud! Amber is shaking beneath me, continuing to ride her wave of pleasure. Letting her legs down, she wraps them around my waist and slowly grinds out the rest of her orgasm. I take the tempo down for a moment and let her regain her composure before resuming my thrusting. After a few more minutes I get mine and let it go inside her, relishing the relief it provides me and the sedation is spreads from my head to the rest of my body. I try not to collapse on top of her, but I can’t help it. My muscles give out and I rest my body for a moment, hoping my breath slows down quickly. The molly has my heart racing and the speed it’s beating feels like the edge of way too fast. Amber runs her hands up and down my back and I start purring, feeling my heartbeat slow. Pressing my hands into the bench cushion on either side of her chest, I push myself up off her and look down. “Are you satisfied?” she asks. 

“Very much. I’ve never had that happen before.”

“Pretty spectacular, huh?”

Pretty spectacular, indeed. We hastily redress and walk back to the room we came from. No checking in, no extended cuddling required. I actually miss the cuddling part, but feel that it would be out of place in the situation. 

The scene we walk in on is so different from what we left, I grab Amber’s hand and ask if what I’m seeing is real. She confirms this is happening. I see Abel in his underwear, sitting in an ornate chair, dictating the scene before him, which involves women in a pile on the floor engaging in all sorts of acts, pulsing to some wordless trance music. Oral sex, eating ass, fingering, spanking, choking, I think I spy a couple of strap ons and what seems to be vaginal and anal penetration. I can’t help but let my jaw drop, while my hand moved to my cock, which is surprisingly hard again. Being hard again this soon, is painful, but I don’t try to suppress my erection. 

What did I expect? This is Abel and his desires are above and beyond what the “normal” person would be happy with. Abel sees my reaction and asks, “What are you surprised, Timo?” “Honestly, yes,” I manage to squeak out. He puts a devilish grin on his face. I feel a twinge of discomfort with him being nearly naked. At times I’ve got the read off him that he is not disapproving of queer relationships and obviously he is okay with women fucking each other, but I’ve never heard what he had to say about men having sex with men. Sometimes that is a whole different attitude, in my experience. I don’t want him to think I’m lusting after him, which, I will admit has crossed my mind from time to time. Mostly innocent, though. Readjusting myself to what is happening presently, I realize I’m feeling a bit dizzy and decide it’s best to sit. I find a seat on the outskirts of the action and rack my brain for the appropriate way to act and speak in this situation, coming up with nothing. Luckily, Abel is in charge and making decisions. He calls out to the women and says for some of them to go to me. Four women excuse themselves from the pile and make their way over to me. One runs a finger down my cheek and asks what I want. I look at her puzzled. I’ve never had the option to “order off the menu” from a group of four sex workers. Motioning for her to come closer, I whisper to her I’m rolling and can’t really think straight. She backs up and nods, saying, “I know just what you need. Come with me.” She guides me over to the bed in the middle of the room and starts peeling off my clothes. I’m acutely aware that Abel is here and probably watching, but I put that out of my mind. I’m completely nude and she instructs me to lay down on the bed. Before, I hadn’t noticed there are quite a few accoutrements scattered throughout the room. Lying down, I feel my dick thump my stomach. It’s amazing how well this thing works. A woman at each corner of the bed and grabs a limb, securing them into a soft, but tight restraint. Holy fuck. I’m stuck here. I wiggle my hips and realize there is very little give on these and I’m along for the ride, whatever it may be. 

A woman asks me if I want a blindfold, and it seems like a good idea. It’s the only way to really block out the fact that Abel is in the same room and I don’t want to think about him while I’m going through whatever it is I’m going to go through. After the blindfold is secured, I notice my other senses are turned up even more. Someone whispers in my ear and says she’s placing a handkerchief in my palm and for me to drop it if I want everything to stop. Nodding, I agree to these instructions. 

The first thing I feel is cold along several spots on my body. I feel what I think is probably a napkin with of ice cubes on my forehead. Welcoming the relief that gives me, I sigh and let some tension out of my body. I then notice there are several other ice cubes making their way, painstakingly slow, from my feet and hands to the middle of my body. Some time is spent on my armpits, which feels heavenly. There’s a painful little tease of my cock and balls with the ice, but even that feels good with the amount of heat coming off my body. A trail of cold water is left running from my underarms, crotch and forehead. Then the sensations meet on my torso, where they tease my abs and nipples. Feeling the ice melt and water trickle down my sides, is such a delicious sensation. The appeal of these sensations really registers with me and I feel my abs contract, trying to move my hips in an effort for my cock to make contact with something, anything. No one is reading my signs and my cock remains untouched, and I have difficulty putting words together and asking for someone to stroke me. For a moment, I wonder if anyone’s paying attention, but I realize, of course they are. Their attention is laser focused on me and no one touching my cock is part of the experience. This is a tease, for sure. I’m not really sure how long this goes on for, but the next thing I register is small jolt of pain in the middle of my chest. Wondering about the source, I try to concentrate to solve this mystery, and after few more moments I feel what I think to be drips of hot wax on my chest. The sting from this wax is painful, but more pleasurable which somehow cancels out the pain in my brain. Maybe my skin being numbed from the ice helps me tolerate this pain better. This is not exactly what I imagined, but I think the molly morphs these sensations into this awesome experience. A smile spreads across my face as I take this in and jerk from time to time when the pain sensors peek back up. My sense of time is lost and I decide to just let that be. Someone comes close to my ear and whispers, would I like to see? I’m curious, so I say yes. The light burns my eyes, but once I can focus I see the four women standing around me, all still stark naked with wide smiles on their faces, holding lit candles that are burned half way down. I tilt my chin and look at my chest and see specks of black and red wax covering nearly half of my torso. It’s a bit shocking, but makes me even harder and I buck my hips. I can’t believe I was able to take all of that pain, but I can recognize that nothing is as it seems under the spell of molly. 

The women pull my blindfold back down and begin peeling up the spots of wax gingerly. It’s as if they are treating me like their most prized passion with the care they are taking. Their fingers working along my chest sends jolts of pleasure all throughout my body. After their careful process is complete, finally someone pays attention to my cock. A dainty finger traces my shaft from root to tip, as if she’s trying to tickle me. My jaw clenches and I flex my arms and legs, straining against the restraints, pleading with them to give just a little. This tease has gone on too long and I’m starting to writhe as much as I can, but my movement is seriously restricted. Feeling something let go inside of me, a moan from deep in my chest escapes. Fuck decency, I have to do whatever I can to process this frustration out of my body. Moaning helps, as the vibration of my own voice sweeps through my body, giving me pleasure. That finger keeps torturing me, until suddenly there’s nothing. No hands on me, no tricks being played. A brief reprise. Then I feel a sensual attack coming again from all corner of my body, starting at the soles of my feet and tips of my fingers. Firm hands glide along my skin with slick oil. Hands are making their way up my limbs to my middle and I feel the tingle. Whatever is in this oil is setting my skin on fire and feels cold at the same time. Then I grab a waft of air and realize there must be mint in the oil. The tingle is so intense I fear it might drive me crazy. Finally, I feel weight shift around me on the bed. One woman is at my head, digging her hands into my hair, massaging my scalp with her nails. Another, to my side wraps her small hand around my neck, carefully pinching each artery the runs on either side of my throat. Another rubs my chest while playing with my nipples. The forth grabs firmly onto my cock and starts jerking, with the perfect amount of pressure. I’m overwhelmed with all this sensation and I can’t tell if I want to cum, scream, cry or run away. Probably everything at once, but with this hand around my throat and restraints pinning me down, all I can do it moan, focus on my breath and try to let the orgasm wash over me. But the orgasm doesn’t come. The hands all lift off me and I balk. What the fuck is happening? Someone peels back my blindfold and I feel a sudden rush of anger. I reorient myself to my surroundings and see that the women are still there, looking just as dutiful as before. Feeling my wrists and ankles become free, I wiggle my hands and feet, getting the blood moving properly. One of the women sees the anger in my face and says, “We thought you might like to cum in one of us, rather than on yourself.” She’s right. That does sound better. Without taking a moment to consider social conventions, I grab the woman who spoke by the wrist and pull her down on top of me. She gets me ready with a condom and eases herself down onto my dick, which I think has never been harder. I grab her hips a little too fiercely and I see the flicker of pain in her eyes. Easing up my grip I let her grind on top of me for a few moments, before I decide that I have to take control. I sit up a bit, wrap my arms around her back and flip us over in one motion, while staying inside of her. She lets out a little noise, letting me know she’s pleased with my choice. Standard missionary is what I want right now. My need to cum is the only thing I can process in this moment, but I get a glimmer of something that would make this feel even better and ask her to choke me. She obliges and reaches up and squeezes my neck, expertly. The pressure builds quickly and I cum harder than ever before, wildly yelling and pounding my hips into hers. I feel like an animal, drenched in sweat, growling and panting for what seems like minutes after my orgasm is over. 

I remember I’m not alone and turn my head to look around the room. It feels as though everyone is pretending that they weren’t just watching me, but I know they were. Even Abel. I can see that he’s trying to suppress something from his face. There’s no way he was impressed, but maybe amused or proud? Can he tell that something just changed inside of me? I can feel something slightly dark that just crept into my chest, but I can’t name it. Is that what happens once you give yourself permission to do things without asking? Is this what happens once you accept that your status in the world has changed? I’m not sure. Maybe this is the dark side of celebrity Armie had warned me about. What I do know, is I’m in no state to think about this coherently. In the moment, I decided that I’m still all in for tonight and will accept whatever happens next.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of Timothée on the yacht with Abel and the slew of sex workers. He gets a little spiritual and contemplates his future. Perhaps a little lust is building toward someone new.

Lying on the massive bed in the middle of the room face down, I push my chest up and turn my head to ask a question. Zeroing in on Abel’s stare I search his eyes for recognition of what he’s done. Was giving me the molly deliberate or accidental? I keep staring trying to find the answer. His stare is icy. Is that because he’s high or because he knows that if I suspected him I might respond negatively? He breaks the gaze and starts paying attention to the women again. Nothing. He gave nothing away. Or maybe it’s just my inebriated state. I remind myself again that things won’t make sense right now. The best I can do is try to take note of the details and review them once I sober up. 

I’m completely naked in a room full of women. I become very aware of this and start searching for my underwear. They are in the pile of my clothes at the foot of the bed. I slip my boxers on, feeling relief for the modesty they provide. Shaking my head, I am in wonder over what just played out. Never have I had such a public sexual experience and even though I’m high, I feel like this behavior is so unlike me. Letting those women take control of me was an amazing experience, but I wish it had been more private. 

Sitting on the bed, I survey the scene again and watch the various pairings and realize that Abel’s gotten up and is fucking one of the women against the wall. I allow myself to watch because he’s not paying any attention to me. Watching him thrust into this woman, I admire the curve of his ass and the smoothness of his skin. I never really let myself think about him this way, but he is beautiful and obviously has skills when it comes to fucking. Quickly, I’m mesmerized and feel like I’m in a trance watching his body move with hers and I find myself hard again and my cheeks burn with blush. Do I desire him? I put the thought out of my mind and refocus on the women in the room. Some of them seem to be taking a break. Putting my pants back on, I invite them to leave the room and go sit on the deck with me. 

This is so strange. I know these women have free will, but they do as I say and I’m not used to having this kind of control. Honestly, I don’t want this kind of control. Knowing that I earned the attention of a woman is the biggest part of the appeal. Using my charm, intellect and wit to capture the attention of a woman feels like the greatest gift. I can’t say the same for men, as I’ve only ever wooed Armie. Maybe I would feel the same way if I were the seek out men. The lack of genuine reciprocation of affection leaves me feeling empty, but the party must go on. 

I sit back and let the women talk amongst themselves as I stare off into the sky. We’re far enough away from shore that the stars are burning bright and I enjoy the trails of the light they cast off. The yacht finally stops moving and we rest a bit. I’ve never been this far out in the ocean before and I decide to do something that scares me. I tell the women that I’m going to swim and ask if anyone wants to join me. There are no takers, but a couple agree to come watch me. Safety first. I might need a lifeguard. As we reach the stern, I strip again and lower myself into the water off the ladder. I let go and a wave of panic washes over me. Here I am, out in the middle of the ocean with everything that is beneath. Thinking of the possibilities, I imagine the sharks, whales, turtles, octopi and fish that are swimming down below, as well as the black of the ocean floor. Picturing this actually helps me calm myself and I feel like I’m joining the ocean. The women are quietly watching me from the deck, so I can concentrate on my experience. I swim around in circles and float on my back, just feeling like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and joining with nature. In the middle of the ocean on an unexpected journey, after such an unexpected day, I get the sense that this is what I was meant to experience. The women, the party, the drugs, they were all distractions from what I am experiencing right now. Knowing how small I am in this enormous ocean, makes everything feel right in this world. There’s no one here to hassle me for a signature and a selfie. There’s no pretenses. There’s no fear over what my life will be like a year from now. I’m just a man, being with nature, in the dark of the night. Letting nature seep into me, fills me with peace. I’m not important and this ocean or it’s creatures could take me at any moment, and that feels right. The water moving around my body feels tingly and refreshing. Soaking up as much of this experience as I can, I relish it a little while longer before I swim back and climb the ladder. I’m handed a towel and go to work drying myself and Amber, the redhead from earlier, suggests a shower. Settling back into this fake world, with these fake people, I follow her lead. 

The shower’s only big enough for the two of us and has a small bench that I sit down on. I’m coming down from all this excitement and feel a little fatigued. Amber can see that on my face and she offers to soap me up and wash my hair. I let her, because I want to feel taken care of right now. Leaning into her hands, I let her lather up my hair, then she moves out of the way so the water can wash away the shampoo. She puts a little conditioner in and lets it sit, while moving onto my body. Soaping up a washcloth, she leans down, and her heavy breasts rest on my chest while she gently washes my back. I enjoy the weight of them on me, feeling as though I’m being hugged and coddled. Coming back around she starts at my neck and softly works her way down my chest, scrubbing under my arms, then moving down to my cock. Amber delicately washes me there and then moves onto each leg and foot. She moves away again and lets the water wash over me and carry away the soap. She runs her hands though my hair, making sure all of the conditioner is rinsed out. Looking up at her I suddenly feel choked up. The ginger way she washed my body spreads a warm feeling through my chest and I thank her. Asking her if I can hold her, she agrees and I stand up to embrace her fully. I rest my chin on top of her head, while the warm water sprays against us both. Trying to take this moment in, I stand there as long as I can, hugging her tightly, before loosening my grip again. 

Pulling back, I look down into Amber’s eyes and feel another wave of desire take over. She looks incredibly sexy with the water running down her face. Some of her makeup has washed off and I see the beautiful freckles she was hiding underneath that veneer. I don’t know her, I’ve already fucked her, and somehow I feel this kinship with her. I think maybe we were meant to find each other as well. 

“Do you think this was supposed to happen? This thing between you and me tonight?” I ask. 

“You mean, like fate?”

“Yeah, exactly like fate. Do you believe in it?”

“I don’t think I believe in fate, but I believe in exchange of energy and how different energies effect those around us. Perhaps our energies compliment each other well.”

“Perhaps they do. I just feel calm and warm with you and it makes me feel safe. You definitely have good energy.”

What am I saying? I sound like a stalker right now. I’m sure she’s heard all kinds of things in her line of work, like this. If I’ve learned anything from movies, you can’t fall in love with a sex worker. I’m not going to let myself do that and try to rein it in a little. Trying to take back some control from my high, I let my face fall a bit. 

“That makes me happy,” Amber replies with a smile. I can’t tell if that’s real or fake, but I decide to move on from this awkward exchange. 

Lightly, I kiss her lips, taking my time at opening my mouth and reaching my tongue to find hers. Slowly, I swirl my tongue with hers and feel another fire ignite in my groin. I haven’t fucked three times in a row since I was 17, but I feel like I could go 10 more times. Starting with fondling her slippery breasts, I admire them so much. There’s no logical way to explain what is magical and sexy about breasts, but they just are. These breasts in particular do very special things to me. The appreciation for her body is immense. So womanly. So real. So different from what I’ve experienced in the past. I enjoy the softness of her and try to take in as much of it as I can, by stroking all the curves of her body. This feels so sensual, and I hope she feels the same way. I ask if I can enter her again, and she gives me permission. She reaches outside of the shower for another condom and places it on me. I slide into her and press her back against the shower wall for stability. This time, I don’t break eye contact and I work very slowly, searching her face for the register of pleasure. I want to make sure she’s enjoying what I’m doing. This must be a change for her, being fucked so gently. Amber hikes a leg up behind me, so she can grind more into my pelvis. This seems to be working for her, and usually I would speed up, but this time I remember not to. I want to see how this little experiment pans out. Keeping the slow pace, I thrust deeper and deeper, watching the sensations wash over her face, and finally it works. She orgasms hard on my dick, while her head snaps back. The pulse of her orgasm grips and releases my dick so deliciously. I let myself relish the sensation and get back to work, because I want mine too. Giving myself permission to speed up, I focus in on her breasts and watch as they jiggle as I move back and forth. This luscious sight pushes me over the edge and I come into her with a long sigh, burying my face in her cleavage. I stay inside her as long as I can, gripping her closely to me. Finally I pull back and out of her and she looks exhausted. 

“Oh, sweetie, you look spent,” I declare. 

“I’m just not used to coming so much on the job. You have a magic dick or something,” she says grinning. 

I smile and admire the flush on her face. That’s my favorite thing to look at: the face of a woman who just came. The pinkness of her cheeks and droopy eyelids tell me all I need to know. That tells me all I need to know, considering that I can’t trust her words yet. I don’t care that she compliments my dick, but assume part of her job is to make me feel virile and important. It’s nice to be appreciated, but all I care about is providing a good experience. This was a job well done and I mentally pat myself on the back. Per usual, Armie comes to mind. Thinking about the flush of his cheeks and the way he smiled down at me after we made love. 

Being with Armie was my first real experience with sensuality. I met him when I was only nineteen. Although I’d had a slew of partners by then, all female, I hadn’t learned how to take my time, communicate, allow myself my feelings during sex. All I’d know before him was rushing toward an orgasm, but also trying not to come too quickly. I never thought of sex as a spiritual experience until I met him. Between Armie and becoming Elio, I learned so much about how to bring real pleasure and connection into my sexual experiences. The way he guided and taught me to be in the moment with another person is probably the best lesson I’ve learned in life so far. There’s something so different about that kind of connection, over just fucking like they do in porn. Thinking about these lessons and Armie makes me sad, because I’m not sure I’ll ever have that kind of experience again. Not only because it was him, but because of the direction of my life. Something feels so ominous about being with these sex workers, because it puts the reality in my face that I may never know genuine affection that’s not influenced by my celebrity again. Maybe I’ll just have to do what everyone else does and try to date within the pool of celebrities or people associated with making films, as a way to find those genuine connections. This isn’t really something I can complain about, but it’s my experience and I allow myself to dwell on it. 

Amber notices my mood has changed and asks if I’m okay. I tell her that I am, but I’d like to be alone for a while. She seems to understand and leaves me in the shower. Continuing to let the water wash over me, I start to contemplate what to do about Abel and wonder more about that attraction I felt to him. Once again, I remind myself that my brain is not working properly and I should put these worries away for a time when I’m sober. Collecting myself, I get dressed and make my way back up to the dock. We’re moving again, so I assume we’re headed back and I am so ready to be off this boat and away from these people.


End file.
